Dear Zach,
You and I use to call these type of letters, “Till I see you
in heaven” letters. I never imagined I
would be writing one to you.
You arrived late and left too soon. That’s all I could think
of when I sat down to write this. But
the Lord kept reminding me, His timing is perfect and though it seems like you
didn’t stay long enough, He knew long before you arrived three weeks late,
you’d be going home the day you did. The Lord reminded me of many moms in the
Bible who had to say goodbye to their sons. He has blessed my life with many parents who
understand because they have had to say goodbye to a child also. No parent may ever understand why we can’t
have one more day or one more hug, but we have the confident assurance that the
Lord takes care of our children.
While the Lord was reminding me of these things and
comforting me, people have been telling me how there is a time and season for
everything. You and I knew that very well. If any mother and son had a theme
passage for their life, that passage about seasons surely has been ours. It seems like we spent most of your life with
timing issues. Once you finally decided to be born, I never had to tell you to
hurry up again. You were always in a hurry to do everything and I was always
trying to keep up and shouting, “Slow down!”
Like Angel you negotiated with charm and like Ryan you thought No was a
slow yes. You seemed to understand timing was everything, but timing also
seemed to give you the most problems.
Even the loser cruiser you use to push out of intersections
had timing problems.
The day you were born I waved goodbye and cried as they
rolled you away. I had to wait for a time until I could be with you in Odessa. Again
you have gone before me and I must wait, but one day we will be together again.
It has always blown my mind that the Lord let me be your
mom. The thought has gone through my head a lot as people share cherished
memories they have of you. For a time you have been someone’s grandson, nephew, brother, cousin, friend,
boyfriend, husband, and most important a dad. But through it all, even before
anyone knew what you would look like or who you’d be, you have been my son. For
that I have been blessed beyond anything anyone can imagine.
26 and a half years is a lot of memories to choose from. I
wasn’t sure what to share. But each time I began to write this letter to you, the
Lord kept reminding me each memory and each event is for a time. Our life here
on earth is just for a time. For a time you was my baby and I could hold you.
For a time you was a toddler and I could laugh and play with you. For a time
you was a teen; my buddy and we laughed and talked. For a time you was a young
man who needed independence and your own life. There were times you needed me
to help and times you needed me to let you do it yourself. There truly is a
time and season for all things and God is the Lord of all seasons and in all
times- even now when it’s time to say goodbye for awhile.
While that has been comforting, I still didn’t know what to
write in this letter. I cried and prayed. And then the Lord reminded me of
something. That note. Every single time you and I had a problem we always
prayed and then that note or its memory would reappear.
When we lived on 7th street we were having one of
those arguments about why I thought you should slow down. Arguing with you
about slowing down could be tiring. And that day when you were a preteen
feeling pressured, I was tired. I am your mother and I knew that the moment
would pass and you had to learn to trust me.
That day I told you to sit down and write a note to yourself
because in time all of it would pass. You would get through it. I don’t
remember the words in the note. I do recall telling you to put it away because
one day it would remind you. I ended the
discussion and gave you a time out with busy work. I had no idea at the time that
the note I made you write would keep returning to us over and over in life.
I forgot about the note. You had put it away. Several years
later when we lived on Pine Street we encountered another moment where you was
feeling pressured by life and you wasn’t happy with me for saying no. You went
to your room and were going through your stuff. A little while later you came
out and ask me to read the note. You were amazed because you had forgotten
about it until you found it. You told me thanks because I had been right and
you knew in this particular situation you were meant to find that note you had
forgotten.
Many years would pass before that note was mentioned again.
And again the reminder came when both of us had forgotten about it. Another
stressful situation occurred when you and Crystal were making decisions for
Angel and Ryan’s future. When we were digging through a box of your childhood
stuff we found it and you told Crystal about why you’d written it. We all
laughed at the time, but soon after that you two were able to step outside the
moment and prepare for a future for your babies. One little note written so many years before had
helped. In a moment after so much stress we were all able to sit down, talk and
work together.
Time and again that
note would be mentioned by you and I didn’t realize it until recently, but that
note would reappear in our lives every time we faced overwhelming problems and
prayed.
It was less than a
year ago when we were talking about some of your problems and you mentioned the
note. You told me you had been praying
and remembered it. Despite being in the
middle of many problems and challenges you felt at peace because you remembered
that note and you remembered all problems pass in time.
I admit I had
forgotten the note. As I’ve been trying to process having to be apart from you
again, the note was the last thing on my mind, but the Lord reminded me again, He
is the Lord of all times, and that time I made you write the note, it was Him
that inspired it. He is a parent as well. We are His children. He understands
what every parent feels. As children we can’t always see beyond a moment or a
circumstance. We don’t always understand why He says no; especially when He
didn’t let you stay a little longer. But, He knows what lies ahead and we can
trust Him.
As I’ve cried and prayed through the nights, the Lord has
comforted me because He reminds me, just like you and I had a note that we
always remembered, He gave us His word so that in times like this we can all
remember. And during the days when so many think I’ve been strong, they truly
do not know that it’s all because of His word and His Spirit. No mom can make it
through this alone. There is no pain greater than losing a child. The Lord even
understands about losing children. He doesn’t ever want to lose a child so He
sent His son so we can all be together with Him one day. He loves us so much. I
know He loves me. He gave me His beloved son and then blessed me with my own
son, my little Bonez who loved life and everyone.
The day you were born I named you Zachary because it means
God remembers and I always wanted God to remember you. Through all of this He
has ask me to remember His son Immanuel, because He wants us to always
remember, God is with us. And He reminds me because Christ is our savior, this
is only a time, one day we will be together again.
Right now I may not understand and I may not think this pain
will ever ease, but I trust the Lord and I know you are with Him.
I believe today as we all say “until we see you in heaven”
you’d want Angel, Ryan, and everyone to know, there is a time and season for
all things. When we ask why about this time and season, I pray He reminds us He
never promised eternity here on earth, but He did promise to comfort and
strengthen us.
Many seasons will come and go after we leave here today, but
in all of them you will be remembered and loved. Thanks for being a part of all
of our lives. I love you and am glad the Lord chose me to be your mom. Until I
see you in heaven, I’ll be missing you.
